


i would, try.

by nctgf (orphan_account)



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Childhood Friends, Coming Out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Homophobia, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, It Gets Worse Before It Gets Better, Kissing, Love Confessions, M/M, Mark is an angel, Mutual Pining, Slice of Life, The tags sound so bad but I promise it gets better, They are whipped honestly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-17
Packaged: 2019-09-21 08:28:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17040305
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/nctgf
Summary: ”if only i could stay.” donghyuck eyes were everywhere but on his own. ”i would.”or, mark confesses his feelings for donghyuck and everything changes.





	i would, try.

**Author's Note:**

> hey everybody!  
> this is my first official nct fanfic on ao3 and i'm so excited to finally post it. this fic is inspired by the song '9' by willow smith. 
> 
> special thank you to my best friend, you are the yukhei to my mark. i love you.
> 
> please enjoy and let me know what you think. <3

”if only i could stay.” donghyuck eyes were everywhere but on his own. ”i would.”

”then why don’t you?” mark breathed out every word, the shakiness in his voice prominent.

it wasn’t supposed to end like this. mark and donghyuck had been attached to the hip ever since they were born. suddenly one day the younger announced that he would be moving abroad for college.

how would mark survive living miles and miles away from the only person he had ever loved?

“was it because of what i said?”

despite the situation, donghyuck smiled. it didn’t reach his eyes but he smiled enough for mark to notice.

“oh silly mark. it’s not because of your confession. i told you nothing would change.”

“then why are you running?” as much as mark tried to, he couldn’t hide the pain in his voice.

mark loved donghyuck. he loved him in a different way than donghyuck loved mark, but it didn’t matter to him. mark would accept any sort of closeness donghyuck would be willing to offer, friend or more. and now that was being taken away from him and he had no say in it.

“donghyuck,” mark pleaded when he got no answer. “please tell me what to do,” he whispered.

his eyes were burning in a way that felt all too familiar to him which meant that he had to turn away so the other couldn’t see how vulnerable he actually was.

“there’s nothing to do. just-“ donghyuck took a deep breath. “please wait for me.”

 

it had been three months since mark last saw donghyuck. when his friends asked him how he was feeling he had no answer.

there was a numbness in his chest. if he had to describe it, it would be like the error screen that used to come on tv when he was young.

there was no feeling, no noise, no color. just a far-off static deep inside his soul that was unreachable.

as time passed by, it only grew and mark couldn’t help but wonder when he would finally start drowning in it. as if he was locked inside of a car that was in the bottom of the ocean, waiting for the water to swallow him whole.

mark started praying. growing up in a christian household exposed him to religion and god on daily basis, but he never cared about it until lately.

it was so funny to him, the way he would sit on the wood floor right in front of his bed with his arms on the soft mattress, with eyes closed whispering pleads to the same god that was the reason for his pain.

he prayed for everything. he prayed for forgiveness, for relief, for guidance, for him.

when mark was thirteen he accidentally found donghyuck’s diary under his pokémon card collection. at thirteen mark barely had any sense of morals and even though some part of him knew that he shouldn’t read what was inside it, a bigger part of him won. the part that wanted to know his best friends secrets and hold them against him in case he was being mean.

he shouldn’t have done that, because it proved to be the biggest mistake of his life only a couple of seconds after he opened the leather book.

_dear diary,_

_at church today they said that a man should marry a woman. but i wanna marry mark. am i wrong for that?_

mark closed down the book and went home early that day. he blamed it on a test donghyuck knew he didn’t have.

ever since that day mark only grew more and more confused. he had heard about gay people before sure, but it was never anything good.

however, in mark’s adolescent mind, marrying donghyuck didn’t seem so off-putting. it felt anything but what he had grown up learning.

mark never asked donghyuck about his diary and donghyuck never brought it up.

 

as years went by, the idea of being with donghyuck slowly became more and more of a need than a want.

mark needed donghyuck. he needed his presence because that was the only thing he had. when the world felt so cold, his soft smile felt so warm.

“donghyuck, i think i like you.”

they were in mark’s dad’s car. after whining and a week’s worth of dishwashing, mark was finally able to borrow the car for his and donghyuck’s long awaited road trip.

the whole city was beneath them and mark almost wanted to lean over to touch the tiny city lights.

next to him donghyuck froze. “what?”

“i think i like you,” mark repeated and finally gathered enough courage to look at the boy next to him.

mark had grown up calling his best friend the sun, but on that night, the boy looked colder than the moon that was above them.

“you don’t mean that.”

mark furrowed his eyebrows. “yes, i do. and i know you might like me back. i saw your diary once.”

donghyuck’s eyes blew up, and his lips were parted in surprise. mark saw a slight tremble in them.

“no you don’t, mark. because it’s wrong.”

it was mark’s turn to be surprised. he unbuckled his seatbelt and turned to get a better look at the boy next to him.

“are you serious?” he whispered and tried to search for any sign of donghyuck pulling a prank on him.

“i am,” donghyuck smiled a stale smile and fastened his seatbelt. “but don’t worry, nothing will change.”

mark drove home with silent tears dripping down his cheeks and slightly shaking hands.

 

a year after donghyuck left, mark came out to his family.

his older brother was more than accepting. he held his shaking body close for almost three hours after and promised him that nothing would change.

those words hurt more than they should have.

at first his parents doubted him, even tried to talk him out of it but after seeing how serious he was, they promised to learn to accept it. that was all mark could ever ask for.

after his family found out, mark had no reason to hide anymore. he posted snapchats of him at gay bars and even on dates with a couple men without having any second thoughts.

it felt freeing.

but there was a burning print deep inside of him, that never felt any less no matter how much time went by.

it had gotten better though; he had started to hang out with his old high school friends again and even talked once or twice with donghyuck’s older brother when he met him on the bus.

but he never could bring himself to ask, as much as he wanted to. and he figured that everyone around him that knew donghyuck knew better than to bring it up.

 

mark liked living with his parents, even though he was twenty one now with a steady job and an income way bigger than he could ask for.

he could afford an apartment but he just never wanted to. this house felt way too special for him to leave. at least until his mother begged him to “grow the fuck up and stop making her wash his dirty underwear,” she had a point, he figured.

apartment haunting wasn’t as easy as one would think. even with the help of his real estate agent friend jeno, it seemed way too difficult to find the perfect place.

“mark, there’s no such thing as perfect, man,” jeno groaned out after weeks of going in and out of apartments all over the city. “just settle for one of them and stop wasting my time. this one would be amazing for you! plus you are near renjun which means that i know you will survive and not just live of off cereal.”

if mark was honest, the more time he spent in the apartment, the more he loved it.

it wasn’t too big, but it wasn’t too claustrophobic either. Plus he never felt too lonely, thanks to the buzzing of the traffic below him.

 

_knock, knock._

after a week of staying at his new place, mark had invited his friends to come over for a get-together. he finally had his own place which meant that he no longer had to consider not bothering his tired parents with his way too loud friends.

“it’s way too early why are you he-“

time stopped.

mark had grown up obsessed with science fiction movies and books and could probably name every single supernatural feeling described in every book but this moment right here?

it almost felt fictional. like a stone that had been placed on his shoulders by some big bad villain.

“oh my god,” mark brought a shaking hand to cover his mouth. it wasn’t real. it couldn’t be real.

“this is a cruel fucking prank,” he whimpered, voice slightly inaudible because of his hand.

“mark?” 

mark hadn’t heard his voice in four years. and it was as beautiful as he remembered it, even more now if that was even possible.

one of mark’s favorite things about donghyuck had always been his voice. every word he said reminded mark of dripping honey. the way he made every word seem like it was a secret between them no matter how unimportant it was.

“what are you doing here?” donghyuck woke mark up from his thoughts, his pupils slightly dilated in surprise.

“i live here? what are you doing here?” mark said after he woke up from his shock. “i thought you were in new york.”

donghyuck chewed in his lips, looking slightly uncomfortable. “i came back.”

mark almost wanted to scoff at the obvious answer but retained. “when?”

“three years ago.”

the loud slam of the door was ringing in Mark’s ears hours after it happened.

the feeling he had buried a long time ago slowly started to return and mark had no idea how to deal with it. it hurt when donghyuck had left, but knowing that donghyuck had actually been here most of the time hurt so much more.

“did you know that donghyuck is back?” mark said while chewing on his pre-workout bar.

“oh?” he figured by renjun’s reaction that he already knew. “did you meet him?”

“he knocked on my door the other day, i have no idea why?”

renjun scratched his neck and darted his eyes to the red lockers behind mark. “i might,” he nervously answered and mark felt a lump grow inside his stomach.

“what the fuck did you do?”

“listen, we did it for both of you guys,” renjun hurriedly said before walking over to the older boy. “jeno might have sent the wrong apartment number to donghyuck... on purpose.”

mark gritted his teeth in annoyance. “well it was fucking uncalled for.” he hissed out before throwing his gym bag over his back and walking into the gym room.

  
when mark was young, he had firmly believed that the hours between two am to five am did not exist. he could count with his own hands how many times he had ever been awake during those hours, not counting those times he woke up in the middle of the night with a sore throat begging for water.

today was an exception.

no matter how much he tossed and turned, mark couldn’t for the life of him fall back asleep.

his mind, almost louder than the racing cars a couple floors below him, refused to let him sleep.

after three hours of trying, he finally gave up. might as well do something productive with the time instead of making it all go to a waste.

the black digital clock on his nightstand that was a moving in gift from his brother was signaling 3:23 am with bold red colors.

a loud crash outside his door interrupted his hour long session of going through book report assignments from his students.

if scary movies taught him anything it would be that never, ever go check out a sound, especially in the middle of the night. but since when did mark follow the rules anyway?

with heavy steps he walked up to his door and slowly got closer to the peephole to check out what was happening on the outside.

a figure was lying down on his welcome carpet in a fetus position. with cautious movements he opened the front door.

“mark fucking lee,” a voice giggled and grabbed his foot.

mark tried to shake him off but there was no point. the grip was rock hard.

“get off me, donghyuck,” mark spat out and squatted down so he could get a better look at what he was dealing with.

his smell sold him off; donghyuck was most likely piss drunk.

“no. no!” donghyuck whined and only snuggled into mark’s leg closer.

“please let go so i can take you inside,” mark said, annoyance showing in his voice.

donghyuck perked up and loosened his grip. “just promise you won’t go again.”

mark scoffed. how fucking ironic.

taking donghyuck inside was not too much of a difficulty, and if mark wasn’t already annoyed at the fact that it was almost 5 am and he hadn’t gotten a single ounce of sleep, he would for sure be freaking out over the fact that his first and only love was inside of his apartment. after four years.

donghyuck took off his shoes and put his feet up on the sofa and sighed in comfort.

“you are gay, mark lee. like gay gay,” he giggled out, but his face didn’t show any sign of happiness. in fact, his eyes had the same look that he had given him that day he left.

“i thought we already established that four years ago,” mark said as a matter of fact.

at this donghyuck laughed, way too loud for the current time. the neighbors probably heard him, but mark couldn’t even bother to give a fuck.

“no, i mean that you are like, gay gay. like everybody knows. did you know renjun showed me a picture of his birthday party two years ago and that was how i found out?”

mark shouldn’t feel guilty, but he did. he remembered the day so vividly. renjun’s cousin yukhei had come over to korea for a business trip that would last a couple weeks. instantly mark and him had gotten along well, and in that short amount of time, he managed to become mark’s first boyfriend.

it didn’t last, which was obvious since their relationship had a time limit on it anyway. mark never regretted it - in fact, he treasured those weeks with yukhei.

in the picture donghyuck was talking about yukhei had his arm around mark’s slightly shorter body and his lips were kissing his temple. mark had no idea the picture was being taken at the time so he had his eyes closed but his smile was as bright as ever.

mark figured he looked happier than he actually was.

“i don’t know what you want me to say, donghyuck,” mark breathed out and felt exhaustion wash over him. this was not a conversation for the time being. not when donghyuck was drunk and mark was running on no sleep.

donghyuck stood up and walked over to mark with small steps. “i told you to wait.”

“donghyuck, you are drunk,” mark whispered.

the younger threw his head back and laughed again, and this time mark could sense the bitterness. “i told you to fucking wait,” donghyuck took a deep breath before fisting mark’s worn out t shirt. “but you fucking didn’t.”

mark pushed the younger off of him, and watched him fall on the couch behind him with a soft thud.

“go to sleep donghyuck. let’s talk tomorrow.”

  
when mark woke up, he had no sense of knowledge. last night almost felt like a fever dream and he was fully convinced that it was just some sick nightmare his brain had decided to punish him with.

the strong coffee smell proved him otherwise.

mark didn’t drink coffee, it often made him more jittery than any good. he only had the coffee machine laying around because if renjun somehow didn’t get his coffee when he was in one of his moods, someone would probably die.

mark followed the smell until he was in the middle of his kitchen, facing donghyuck’s bare back.

“what the hell are you doing?” he fumed and the boy in front of him jumped at the sound.

“give a man a warning why don’t you?” he exclaimed before turning back to finish up his coffee.

“donghyuck,” mark spoke. “what are you doing here?”

at first he didn’t get an answer. he watched the younger fumble around with the coffee machine until his hands stopped moving.

donghyuck didn’t turn around and mark was about to say something before he noticed his shaking shoulders.

a quiet sob echoed in the kitchen.

“donghyuck,” mark repeated and slowly put his hands on the boy’s naked shoulder. it burned underneath his fingertips.

mark felt donghyuck lean into the touch for a moment before he flinched away.

“don’t touch me,” donghyuck hissed out through his teeth. mark stumbled back at the harsh remark.

“what do you want then? why are you here, huh?” mark yelled in anger, confusion and hurt. “what the fuck do you want from me?”

“you are fucking gay, mark,” donghyuck yelled back and hit mark’s chest without any strength.

“i can’t believe you are fucking gay,” donghyuck whispered under his breath and something clicked in mark.

donghyuck knew, and he came back. donghyuck knew the whole time yet he was still here right beside him.

“donghyuck, are you..” mark whispered, as if someone else could hear them. “gay?”

donghyuck shoot his glossy eyes up at him and shook his head frantically. his lips opened and closed in attempt but nothing came out.

“tell me, donghyuck,” mark slowly reached out to the younger boy, his hands slowly reaching out to his waist.

the younger was still shaking his head, slower now. “afraid,” he whispered between his tears.

when mark finally made contact with the boy, this time he didn’t move away. instead, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath.

“remember when we were eleven and we stole ten bucks from your mom’s purse for candy?” mark smiled at the memory. “remember what we said while walking to the corner store?”

a tear slipped down donghyuck’s cheeks but his lips were forming a smile. “this is our biggest secret. let’s promise each other not to tell anyone ever,” donghyuck quoted himself.

even if it had been more than a decade ago, his voice still sounded just as lovely as before in mark’s ears.

“so donghyuck, tell me your biggest secret.”

the younger finally opened his eyes and was greeted by mark’s warm ones. it felt unfair for him to get this way too easily. not after everything he had put the older through.

“i can’t do that to you. not after what i did. i hurt you, mark. i hurt you that day in the car, the day i left and every other day after that. i keep on hurting you and i can’t let you hurt anymore,” donghyuck whispered and once again there were small teardrops slowly running through his crimson cheeks.

even if mark wanted to deny it, he couldn’t. donghyuck was right. mark lived so many years lost and hurt after losing the most important person closest to him, but right now felt like a second chance. he didn’t want to go on with his life knowing that he never tried.

“let me just ask you something. why’d you leave?”

“because you were so.. confident in who you were. enough to tell me that you..” donghyuck swallowed. “..were gay. i didn’t want to stand in the way of you finding your happiness because i wasn’t brave enough.”

mark was stunned. ”but you were.. are my happiness, i don’t care about that. we could’ve worked it out together.”

donghyuck reached out and rested his soft hand on one of mark’s cheeks. he leaned into the touch.

”i’m sorry, mark. for everything,” donghyuck whispered against mark’s lips. he searched in his eyes for any sign that told him to walk away and go on with his life.

he didn’t find it.

  
‘’can i try something?’’ donghyuck whispered shakingly. mark nodded, not trusting his voice.

the first touch of donghyuck was everything mark expected it to be. the boy himself was sun and warmness and comfort, his kisses was much alike.

at first it was a simple touch of lips, a question of forgiveness, an answer of forgiving.

mark could tell donghyuck hadn’t done this often because he just stood there, probably overwhelmed so mark decided to take it slow.

his hands that were around the boy’s waist slowly brought him closer until his naked chest was against mark’s clothed one. mark almost felt like the shirt acted like a protective layer because there is no way he would be able to handle having all of donghyuck all over him just yet.

when mark finally felt like donghyuck was comfortable enough, he slowly turned his head to the side for a better angle and started nibbling of the other’s thicker lips.

donghyuck slowly parted his lips and mark couldn’t help but sigh at the movement.

for so long he had imagined what it would feel like to be in this situation right here but none of those thoughts compared.

donghyuck tasted like honey and something else that was already an addiction to mark.

mark kept on tasting and tasting, growing more and more desperate because he could finally pour all of his harbored feelings out in the open.

feelings that he had spent most of his life locked so deep inside him that even he was too afraid to look into. but now? they finally got to see the sunlight.

the sunlight that was lee donghyuck.

when the need for air overtook his need for donghyuck, he slowly parted away from him.

”oh,” donghyuck slowly whispered and mark felt the hot air tickling his swollen lips.

donghyuck backed away slowly until his back hit the counter.

“mark, i need to say it,” he whispered, still too scared to talk out loud in case it would burst the bubble they had built around them.

mark nodded and took donghyuck’s shaking hands into his own cold ones. it was okay. it was gonna be okay.

he had waited for four years for donghyuck, and he wouldn’t rethink for a second if he had to wait a whole lifetime for him.

because it was donghyuck.

”mark, i am in love with you. i have always been and will always be. sorry i was a coward,” donghyuck spoke slowly before connected them once again.

”i wish i was brave enough to do this while i had the chance,” donghyuck said between the short kisses they exchanged.

”it’s okay, hyuck. better late than never,” mark said to shut up donghyuck but the younger pulled away again.

”no, mark. i still can’t let you forgive me this easily. i need to make you understand how serious i am about this, about you.”

mark leaned back so he could get a better look at his best friend.

‘’there’s so much we still have to talk about. we haven’t met for four years and so much has changed. we are not who we used to be, and i’m scared that once you find out who i really am, you will regret this.’’

the hands that were around donghyuck’s waist slowly made their way up to his cheeks. mark raised his face slightly so that they could have eye contact.

‘’hyuck, i wanted to give up on you so many times. there wasn’t a day where i didn’t think about how badly i wish i hadn’t know you at all.’’

donghyuck grimaced and tried to turn his head away but mark held him in place.

‘’but i know it wasn’t easy on you either. i learned to accept myself and whilst it was difficult i still did. i can’t blame you for taking longer to reach that acceptance. right now all i can really do is support you,’’ mark smiled and rested his forehead on donghyuck’s own. ‘’you are here now and that’s all that matters to me.’’

donghyuck cried again, small drops of tears falling quickly from the corner of his eyes. mark kissed all of them away until there was no more.

‘’i missed you so much, mark lee. i could’ve had this all along, but i was so stupid.’’

the older smiled and gave donghyuck a haste kiss. ‘’so let’s make every moment from now on count, huh?’’

donghyuck mirrored his smile before leaning in again.

  
it was no surprise to mark how quickly they fell into their same old ways. almost as if all those years never happened.

from time to time mark told donghyuck anecdotes about the past years to catch him up what he had missed. most of the time he tried to skip the bad parts but sometimes they would slip up. donghyuck would always apologize and while mark promised him that it was okay, donghyuck never stopped anyway.

‘’remember when i told you that i wanted to prove myself to you?’’ donghyuck spoke one day over dinner. it was around a month after their rekindling and even though they hadn’t fully discussed what they were, mark could tell what was coming.

‘’yeah?’’

‘’i came out to my dad last night, after i came home from yours.’’

mark dropped his fork on the half empty plate in front of him. ‘’are you serious?’’

growing up, donghyuck’s father was one of the main choir members in the local church. he would often hold church services for the youth in their neighborhood, which mark and donghyuck often attended.

‘’how did it go?’’ mark asked when donghyuck nodded in answer.

‘’as you would expect. he didn’t take it well,’’ donghyuck smiled sadly before shoving a bite of pizza into his mouth. ‘’i’ve done my part, now it’s just up to him to decide what to do with it.’’

mark reached out to the younger and squeezed his hand tightly. ‘’i’m so proud of you, hyuckie.’’

donghyuck smiled at the nickname and put the pizza slice down. ‘’it’s something i should’ve done a long time ago, for you, for us and for myself as well.’’

‘’sappy bitch,’’ mark laughed to lighten the mood, he figured donghyuck already knew how he felt.

‘’boring hoe,’’ donghyuck giggled and sat up so quickly that the chair he was sitting on just moments ago fell behind him. before he could reach the older, mark was already running around the table.

the chasing around lasted far too long for it to be socially acceptable in their age, but mark didn’t care. not when donghyuck’s laughter filled the entire apartment like a beautiful melody.

‘’just wait and see until i catch you,’’ donghyuck huffed out and mark turned around to see him with his hands on either side of his waist, struggling for air.

‘’i’d like to see you try,’’ mark exclaimed and hid behind the sofa. he could hear footsteps nearing him so he put his hand in front of his mouth to make his breathing quieter.

when mark saw the pink fluffy socks donghyuck loved to wear creeping up right next to him, he decided to attack.

‘’ah,’’ donghyuck squealed when he felt two cold hands wrap around his ankle. mark only brought him closer and giggled.

‘’where is your confidence now?’’ he asked when donghyuck fell next to him in the cramped space behind the sofa. donghyuck tried to suppress a laugh but he couldn’t. not when mark was acting so proud over such silly game.

‘’fine, you won. what do you want your price to be?’’

mark smiled and wiggled his eyebrows, probably looking like a mad man. he pretended to think, but he was pretty certain donghyuck might already have a clue.

‘’oh,’’ he whispered and leaned close enough so that he had to climb on top on mark’s lap to be able to be comfortable. ‘’naughty boy.’’

they kissed like they had all the time in the world. slow, almost too slow with barely any movement but mark wanted to take his time.

the place they were currently in wasn’t the most romantic, but mark couldn’t help but feel the way his heart was bursting with warm emotions. with overflowing love.

when donghyuck grew bored and desperate his hands sought out the edge of mark’s shirt. they parted just for a second before reconnecting again when his shirt were thrown off to some random direction.

donghyuck’s hands traveled from mark’s burning cheeks down to chest. the older blushed at the thought that the younger probably could feel how bad his heart was beating.  
  
even though it was in the middle of december with negative degrees outside, mark had never felt this hot before.

‘’donghyuck..’’ he whispered against the spit covered lips and donghyuck only smiled against his own.

those same lips attached themselves to mark’s neck before he could catch his breath and gave him butterfly kisses in every part of skin he could reach.

mark shivered at the sensation of donghyuck’s hot breath on his sensitive neck. he brought his hands to donghyuck’s hair in order to ground himself, which was welcomed judging by the little sound donghyuck made.

donghyuck directed his kisses upwards to mark’s face again and kissed his chin, cheeks, temple, forehead, nose and finally his lips again.

‘’i,’’ _kiss_ ‘’love,’’ _kiss_ ‘’you.’’

donghyuck closed his eyes and rested his forehead against mark’s. ‘’you are such a beautiful person mark lee, i can’t believe i get to call you mine.’’

‘’oh, are we official now?’’ mark joked while reaching out to hold his best friends hand. he brought it up to his lips and pressed a tender kiss on his knuckles.

‘’well, do you want us to be?’’ donghyuck’s eyes were twinkling, and even if the infinite night sky filled with stars was right above them, nothing shone brighter than donghyuck’s eyes right now.

mark had thought about this moment forever, and every single scenario played out so differently than this one, but he wouldn’t have it any other way.

‘’hyuckie, do you want to be my boyfriend?’’

his answer was a long kiss that was unlike any other one he had ever had in his entire life.

‘’way to pick a romantic setting,’’ donghyuck spoke but unlike his teasing words his smile was the most sincere mark had ever witnessed. 

**Author's Note:**

> if you read everything, wow. thank you. if you enjoyed it as well please put kudos or comment, i'd appriciate it so much. <3


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